I wasn't originally going to do a post like this today. I was going to simply talk a little bit more about what i forgot to post yesterday. I wanted to explain why I named the blog "And Now for something Completely Different". I wanted to give more frame of reference where I come from regarding why I say what I say. Gonna tell you what I watch and why and maybe throw some rare songs out to your attention. But today was a day that the world got quieter. The man who is responsible for modern music and your ability to listen to it is dead. Les Paul was not a great musician but he's probably the most important one since the creation of music. There would be no Electric Guitar without Paul, there would be no such thing as an amplifier with out Paul, there would be no such thing as Recording music. Think about how much your life would change without Les Paul.... No Beatles, no music and no way of hearing any music that was played outside of your local high school stage where all the "fans" there were respectfully silent.
But the thing about death is that we did not, or have not yet. We all will but lets not rush.
If you really know me you know I have terrible luck with women. Not in getting them but in keeping them. You may say, "What the f? your a 20 year old college kid, enjoy your time as a single college kid surrounded by hot young co-eds" and I do. But I'm unlucky. I think I found the person I want to spend the rest of my life with at the age of middle school, though I didn't know it until freshman year. Her name for the sake of this blog and the sake of her anominity (as well as mine) is going to be C. We've been together on and off since my freshman year. I think we've secretly wanted each other for longer than that. We're best friends and theres not a really good way to describe our dynamic.
That is there wasn't until I started reading this book by Chuck Klosterman entitled "Killing Yourself to Live". Without all the details the following represents my love life during college thus far. If you replace the following where he talks about himself with myself and Diane with C you get our relationship:
"This has never [been] a conventional relationship. In fact, one could argue that this hasn't been a realtionship at
all: I can count the number of times we've slept together on one hand. She has never been my girlfriend, and I have never been her boyfriend. Everyone
thinks we're a couple because we go to films together, and we have coffee every afternoon, and once I walked over to her apartment during a raging blizzard to help her hang a wall clock. I make no attempt to hide that I am in love with her, and I don't think there's anyone who knows either of us who isn't totally aware of that fact.
So-clearly-there are problems here.
But it gets worse.
It gets worse because Diane's inability to love me makes me lover her more. Without a doubt, not loving me is the most alluring thing Diane (or any woman) can do. Nothing makes me love Diane as much as her constant rejection of my heartfelt advances. This is compounded by Diane's own insecurities; the fact taht she can reject me time after time after time is what she finds most endearing. She knows I will never give up. She could hate me and I would love her anyway.
So-clearly-this is not a healthy interaction.
But it gets worse.
It gets worse because Diane did something two months ago that is unforgivable (I'm not going to elaborate on this, but feel free to fabricate any scenario you're comfortable with). Now, in the weeks that have passed since this event, I have told her countless times that I forgive her for what she did. But I have been lying, both to her and to myself. So even though I
feel like I love her, part of my brain resents her with an unspeakable ferocity. That resentment has changed the way i feel about everything. Now, whenever I feel love, I unconsciously feel grains of rage. And it is becoming harder and harder for me to differentiate between those two emotions.
So-clearly-I am not psychologically flawless.
But it gets worse."
It gets worse because I can't help myself, cus all of that is true more or less with me and C. I couldn't change it if i tried. Like Chuck's central thesis for the book stated very early on in the book, "The worst part of being in love with anyone,
is that people in love can't be reasoned with". So I'm unreasonable. And for now I'm happy about this.
And for something completely different,
-Ruebs
Song of the Post:
Karma Police
